The beginning

I've been meaning to do this for awhile.

I think it's going to be important to me to have all of this down, and maybe it will be important to other people as well.

To get started seems hard for me though.

Exhausting to hash back up every little worry, every search for answers, every swing between hope and dispair and back again but it needs to be done.

Our first child was born in August, we were expecting a girl from the ultrasound, and I already thought of the baby as Kaitlynn (or Kate Lynn, or Caitlynn, we were sure of the name but not the spelling).

When Austin was born, we had no boy names picked out. We argued about what to name a boy, and since we were sure we were having a girl, we never settled on a boy name. Harharhar. God has a sense of humor, of that much I'm sure.

I worried, I have to admit, like all mothers do, especially first time mothers. I had quit my job as a middle school math teacher to enjoy staying home with my son, so ALL of my attention was focused on him, maybe a little too much so sometimes. Most were little worries. The kind that make you blush a week or so later when you realize you were concerned about nothing.

Even still, those little worries didn't turn full out panic until Austin was 13 months. I was convinced he had autism. He still wasn't speaking, he was pointing, but with his whole hand, and he wasn't always answering to his name or paying attention to me when I thought he should. I called my mom sobbing and she kind of laughed at me. Not meanly, but just as a woman who had raised 6 kids and now had many grandchildren, and knew me very well. "Have you been reading about this, or have you seen anything on TV?" Well, of course I had, autism was everywhere, it was impossible to NOT see it or read about it. My mom convinced me Austin was very young, she didn't dismiss my concerns, far from it, but she quieted my panic as moms do.

Still, I was pushing my husband to call ECI. I was worried about the speech thing, and thought maybe they could help. We agreed to wait until 15 months and then if I was still worried, I could call.